swoonbaby's Blog

Vulgar  I threw on a red pull over,  Why do I  feel sick all over I know because I am vulgar.  So why do u always wanna stop me when I am having fun , laughing and living, AND FINALLY loving ,, Why do u wanna  stoop me ? Oh I would never

Its always something to hide , it would have been better if honest.. You blamed me and now im not satisfied., I laid down and died, And you just went about your day , GAY. It use to be this way and that, Now i wonder how it could have been if the event was different .  Never again we said before , Never gain what we had before, Took it away not the same , PAIN and problems, Faithfully pursue the truth , never again is what I swear , no man can not ever compare. Now i wait for the night to come where I am bearable, Save my soul  your the only one that knows, and never told. Tranquility I do not know, A spell grows old, We will never die, Our love was it a lie?  Lie me down and sleep with me , sober state equlas tranquility.  Us so much stuff , and now we r parting and becoming less and less and i HAVE BECOME SUCH A MESS OF whats become and whats to be.  I am a star in the sky up high down low, hit the ground harder with such an explosive , repulsive  bang and sight , lingers and never points a finger.

Just got back from tonights wild night. I met Ron Jeremy , A famous Porn star. I invited a neighbor that I thought could be cool .. But thats later in the story.   Its all good , I meet Ron and sit to enjoy a drink and make it quick because as soon as I take off the coat ,well Things became pretty good pretty CRAZY.  I took awesome professional pictures , Playboy status. I looked amazing , I couldnt believe that I looked so awesome I mean I love taking pictures and I know I look good but these were great. I choked up and only thanked him .  I was shocked. Now Im wondering whats wrong with me , why am I not married? Why am I single, Why am I mean , Why ?  Im a weirdo and I dont care. Nobody knows me , the real me.  I dont even know me that welll ..I m alot to know  , good bad and ugly,  Funny.  I get into it with my neighbor over My pictures that I like from her phone either deleted or sent to me. AND she has a hard time over it cussing me out and calling me names...Why idk? They r my pictures, i dont even have n e of me on my phone why should she . SOOO stormed off Slaming my doors to my house at 3 am , the fkn nerve.  Thee last time.  the end for now

I touched death today I seen death before me. I felt deaths coldness.  Seen , touched and felt that is what life is all about, DEATH,   I cried and dried my eyes ,  As fast as the tears fell faster I wiped them away.  i didnt want  anyone to know and see my hurt.   I sat there ,stared with an smirk.  At the end I felt like a jerk.  One day it will be my turn , Do I want to be buried or in an urn .  Lesson learned, 

I dont want another, I rather not be smoother d  , If its not one battle its two, if its not two then definitely a few. I do see a lot more gray then pretty pink, I do pass days when I was ok, Mess it up with a single thought that somehow snuck in and sunk in.. On the other side I do not mention that I am seen , that right in front of me is my dream,, unfolding, I want to slap me in my face and say HEY look at what u wanted look at what u attracted, look at what u created. Tis a dream of a dream of a daydream , It was just talk before , it was just show before, and all sorts of being told I belong .  Destiny is calling me... What its calling me is STUCK ..What it whispers is good luck....

.You want me, then why cant u find me, ill be waiting, with a beer i, I  will be sitting pretty for u, so why dont u  want t me?? I want you more and then before I want u to want me more, I am ready. You want me so Why dont u have me/ Well i find it kind of funy but i find it really sad when All that I am is bad,bad to the bone, Alone zoning it,at least at home and not on the streets. I want to be complete but how can I compete he does not want to meet.  I cried  and screamed and begged and plead, yes in dead .Thats not me.  Im here floating the surface for you ,waiting for you to bring me down , And nothing..  yOU WANT me all to your self , you want me to dress down and  ugly , tHATS HOW U WANt ME. yOU WANT ME and cant have me the way you want me, You got me, and dont know,   i show u and you still dont know. You want me and im ready ,you want me not to party , Im ready.

So I sit in Darkness in my room , And I been hearing lots of strange loud noises not like any I use to hear before.  I then hear my Keys jingle, I remember placing them at the foot of my bed on a tall shelf. I sit still staring into the darkness trying to see  what I   rather not.  What the heck just made my keys do that? Im in a hurry to turn the light switch on, I did it the lazy way by staying in bed and reaching over and I missed, oh no I thought Im taking to long, One more try and I did it. Lights on and no one there! Just as I expected.  Lights are still on as I type , Cold surrounds me , a light cold breeze upon me, I feel it, I inhale it, exhale. Am I scared ? No , but I am aware!

I cant get some memories that make my stomach sick, I have tried to see the other side, I have realized that it was me, I was me.  Is this real or madness some sort of spell keeping me On hold?  I seen life when I was in your presence, Just like a present, A gift I cant refuse, Got me all confused. I now wonder if in fact If I light this fuse is it going to Xplode in my face burning away flesh, fantasy everything you mean to me. I will turn away at it all and prove to us that U are my all, be on call.  I need to love , no push no shove, Is this love or straight Madness, Keeping us close?  No matter what We belong, If its wrong, Then Ill never be right..

I only speak the truth tonight I drink and use,..To heart ache  and to life, That  I cant deny. SO sad I want to cry. I dont have to live like this! Its what I been told before, But what exactly is THIS? and just exactly how Am I suppose to live? What does it matter ?I am who I am I think! Or am I not? I forgot and still forget.  Laugh it all away Is what I say and be ready because tomorrow it'll be right in your face again. And ten times worse with more.  I have the biggest lump in my throat its been there since way back when and is getting worse. You know  the kind of lump u get when u hold back your tears and pain building up in your throat.  The kind that'll make u choke.  Well ya thats mine times ten.  Ouch,,, I ignore the pain and swallow it away .  Tonight I stood alert and no response from that jerk, why do I bother? I looked pretty tonight, pretty numb, dumb and in love.

Could my heart hurt anymore than this, Can i BE that stupid to show love to all the wrong people in my life.  Yes and YES.  I sit and type listening to November Spawned a Monster by Morrissey and Its the only thing that is helping this pain go away.  One day ill be fine but today I feel so empty inside, I could cry.  This world and my lifestyle would make someone want to run n hide, perhaps die. This is the end of the line. 

Today my mom is leaving us, she is going up north for the winter  to take care of her mom.  She was up there before for almost a year and me and my brothers missed her.  She came back in june, and now gone in october.. I wish I can start all over.  I am going to be alone in this house with my dad that works early and gets out late, at times he comes home full of hate and im bait, I dont usually feel, but tonight my tears were real as I sat and wrote her a note, expressing how much Imma miss her, and how much I love her. My apologies for the hurt I caused her to feel and disappointment.  Everyone leaves me , walks away, and im left not right.  I want to go, I dont want to stay, take me with u. This is not what I had in mind, I shouldve spent more time.  You see but the thing is my mom and I cant see eye to eye,  she'll turn around and punch me in the eye, she has put me through a lot , she hasent been there, she'll bring me down and talk about me horribly.  She likes me and she doesnt.  So Why do I cry, waste a tear on someone that wasent there?  I wasent there this time,  and it was her time. I dont even know if she wouldve spent time with me in the first place.  Still as my heart, and soul , and as cold as ice I continue to live life.  Wishing to the fullest, wishing on an falling star.

Drowning deep inside myself, lost and lonely, misunderstood,.try hard to see how important listening is to me. I won't take all of your time. Some people are happy together, lovers devoted to one another, and I'm on my own, to busy. Trying hard to shake the disease, takes all my time i have to much pride.