I have a itch that is hard to scratch, I have a flame that I cant just blow away, I have a heart that is black and a mind that is half mine. I lost time, I lost the day, I lost reality and I lost fame. I am clouded, Thoughts, vision and soul. I have not listened to reason because reason does not listen to me. I drown out days and free stroke all night. Its got me, it haunts me, it takes me away, it brings me back, it leaves me feeling sad and mad. Its consumed me, swallows me whole and has left me with no place to go. Its not the thing to do , its not the route to take, I want to break free , I want me! ,
Vulgar I threw on a red pull over, Why do I feel sick all over I know because I am vulgar. So why do u always wanna stop me when I am having fun , laughing and living, AND FINALLY loving ,, Why do u wanna stoop me ? Oh I would never
Its always something to hide , it would have been better if honest.. You blamed me and now im not satisfied., I laid down and died, And you just went about your day , GAY. It use to be this way and that, Now i wonder how it could have been if the event was different . Never again we said before , Never gain what we had before, Took it away not the same , PAIN and problems, Faithfully pursue the truth , never again is what I swear , no man can not ever compare. Now i wait for the night to come where I am bearable, Save my soul your the only one that knows, and never told. Tranquility I do not know, A spell grows old, We will never die, Our love was it a lie? Lie me down and sleep with me , sober state equlas tranquility. Us so much stuff , and now we r parting and becoming less and less and i HAVE BECOME SUCH A MESS OF whats become and whats to be. I am a star in the sky up high down low, hit the ground harder with such an explosive , repulsive bang and sight , lingers and never points a finger.
Just got back from tonights wild night. I met Ron Jeremy , A famous Porn star. I invited a neighbor that I thought could be cool .. But thats later in the story. Its all good , I meet Ron and sit to enjoy a drink and make it quick because as soon as I take off the coat ,well Things became pretty good pretty CRAZY. I took awesome professional pictures , Playboy status. I looked amazing , I couldnt believe that I looked so awesome I mean I love taking pictures and I know I look good but these were great. I choked up and only thanked him . I was shocked. Now Im wondering whats wrong with me , why am I not married? Why am I single, Why am I mean , Why ? Im a weirdo and I dont care. Nobody knows me , the real me. I dont even know me that welll ..I m alot to know , good bad and ugly, Funny. I get into it with my neighbor over My pictures that I like from her phone either deleted or sent to me. AND she has a hard time over it cussing me out and calling me names...Why idk? They r my pictures, i dont even have n e of me on my phone why should she . SOOO stormed off Slaming my doors to my house at 3 am , the fkn nerve. Thee last time. the end for now
I touched death today I seen death before me. I felt deaths coldness. Seen , touched and felt that is what life is all about, DEATH, I cried and dried my eyes , As fast as the tears fell faster I wiped them away. i didnt want anyone to know and see my hurt. I sat there ,stared with an smirk. At the end I felt like a jerk. One day it will be my turn , Do I want to be buried or in an urn . Lesson learned,
You can be my drug, you can be my new addiction. Getting up to be let down. Have me drive around town all hours of the night end up blowing up like dynamite. Its a fight its not right. I want more and more, u leave me high and dry I go home and cry. I need help I expected you to care. Your not there, thats why Im everywhere.
I dont want another, I rather not be smoother d , If its not one battle its two, if its not two then definitely a few. I do see a lot more gray then pretty pink, I do pass days when I was ok, Mess it up with a single thought that somehow snuck in and sunk in.. On the other side I do not mention that I am seen , that right in front of me is my dream,, unfolding, I want to slap me in my face and say HEY look at what u wanted look at what u attracted, look at what u created. Tis a dream of a dream of a daydream , It was just talk before , it was just show before, and all sorts of being told I belong . Destiny is calling me... What its calling me is STUCK ..What it whispers is good luck....
Im fighting my self , deprive myself, Cant quite love myself.
.You want me, then why cant u find me, ill be waiting, with a beer i, I will be sitting pretty for u, so why dont u want t me?? I want you more and then before I want u to want me more, I am ready. You want me so Why dont u have me/ Well i find it kind of funy but i find it really sad when All that I am is bad,bad to the bone, Alone zoning it,at least at home and not on the streets. I want to be complete but how can I compete he does not want to meet. I cried and screamed and begged and plead, yes in dead .Thats not me. Im here floating the surface for you ,waiting for you to bring me down , And nothing.. yOU WANT me all to your self , you want me to dress down and ugly , tHATS HOW U WANt ME. yOU WANT ME and cant have me the way you want me, You got me, and dont know, i show u and you still dont know. You want me and im ready ,you want me not to party , Im ready.
They say some are sicker then others, i am that sicker one. The sickest getting Sick on it, sick with it, Sick and wanting to quit. I cant seem to come down off this cloud, I cant seem to release the beast, I become mean, I become something that isnt me, Yet I took it over the edge to the extreme Making me scream , It was all fun and games until I was noticing the one that I was really truly hurting is myself. Pain pain go away, I know how to make it disappear, poof , up in smoke. The next day it waits patiently for me to come around and it waits.
So I sit in Darkness in my room , And I been hearing lots of strange loud noises not like any I use to hear before. I then hear my Keys jingle, I remember placing them at the foot of my bed on a tall shelf. I sit still staring into the darkness trying to see what I rather not. What the heck just made my keys do that? Im in a hurry to turn the light switch on, I did it the lazy way by staying in bed and reaching over and I missed, oh no I thought Im taking to long, One more try and I did it. Lights on and no one there! Just as I expected. Lights are still on as I type , Cold surrounds me , a light cold breeze upon me, I feel it, I inhale it, exhale. Am I scared ? No , but I am aware!
I cant get some memories that make my stomach sick, I have tried to see the other side, I have realized that it was me, I was me. Is this real or madness some sort of spell keeping me On hold? I seen life when I was in your presence, Just like a present, A gift I cant refuse, Got me all confused. I now wonder if in fact If I light this fuse is it going to Xplode in my face burning away flesh, fantasy everything you mean to me. I will turn away at it all and prove to us that U are my all, be on call. I need to love , no push no shove, Is this love or straight Madness, Keeping us close? No matter what We belong, If its wrong, Then Ill never be right..
My mood: pretty uncomfortable
I only speak the truth tonight I drink and use,..To heart ache and to life, That I cant deny. SO sad I want to cry. I dont have to live like this! Its what I been told before, But what exactly is THIS? and just exactly how Am I suppose to live? What does it matter ?I am who I am I think! Or am I not? I forgot and still forget. Laugh it all away Is what I say and be ready because tomorrow it'll be right in your face again. And ten times worse with more. I have the biggest lump in my throat its been there since way back when and is getting worse. You know the kind of lump u get when u hold back your tears and pain building up in your throat. The kind that'll make u choke. Well ya thats mine times ten. Ouch,,, I ignore the pain and swallow it away . Tonight I stood alert and no response from that jerk, why do I bother? I looked pretty tonight, pretty numb, dumb and in love.
Could my heart hurt anymore than this, Can i BE that stupid to show love to all the wrong people in my life. Yes and YES. I sit and type listening to November Spawned a Monster by Morrissey and Its the only thing that is helping this pain go away. One day ill be fine but today I feel so empty inside, I could cry. This world and my lifestyle would make someone want to run n hide, perhaps die. This is the end of the line.
Today my mom is leaving us, she is going up north for the winter to take care of her mom. She was up there before for almost a year and me and my brothers missed her. She came back in june, and now gone in october.. I wish I can start all over. I am going to be alone in this house with my dad that works early and gets out late, at times he comes home full of hate and im bait, I dont usually feel, but tonight my tears were real as I sat and wrote her a note, expressing how much Imma miss her, and how much I love her. My apologies for the hurt I caused her to feel and disappointment. Everyone leaves me , walks away, and im left not right. I want to go, I dont want to stay, take me with u. This is not what I had in mind, I shouldve spent more time. You see but the thing is my mom and I cant see eye to eye, she'll turn around and punch me in the eye, she has put me through a lot , she hasent been there, she'll bring me down and talk about me horribly. She likes me and she doesnt. So Why do I cry, waste a tear on someone that wasent there? I wasent there this time, and it was her time. I dont even know if she wouldve spent time with me in the first place. Still as my heart, and soul , and as cold as ice I continue to live life. Wishing to the fullest, wishing on an falling star.
Drowning deep inside myself, lost and lonely, misunderstood,.try hard to see how important listening is to me. I won't take all of your time. Some people are happy together, lovers devoted to one another, and I'm on my own, to busy. Trying hard to shake the disease, takes all my time i have to much pride.
I was in the shower and my mom was like " hurry I need to use the bathroom " and I said " I just got in " soo she decides to open the bathroom door and come in. Well just before that I kept on getting in and out of the shower so there was a bunch of water on the floor.. So she comes in and slips and falls. Hard on the floor, I yelled for my daughter to hurry up. My mother just lay on the floor hurting. My daughter came in and assisted my mom as I watched still in the shower comletely furious! I yelled at my mother for even coming in the bathroom at all and for coming in walking fast and not paying attention. I felt overwhelmed with anger to where I can feel my hands start to shake... I wonder why I get so mad instead of sad and helping out ..
As she falls to the floor do we kick her and punch her? Laugh and call her names. Destroy her soul and break her heart , Snap her neck oh what the heck.. Or love whats been lacking love, and attention, AND affection . Whether u stay for the fight or go with pure fright, Love her till the day u die. Questions of why ? can go, u must stay..
Yes I am blind thats one of the things that is wrong with me. Yes I am blind of the love that was in front of me. Yes I am blind to what people want to do to me. I am blind hoping that I can find... Blind and I do mind this time, there is something wrong with me.. Yes I am blind
I never meant you any harm but how can I mean that when harm is all I know..You never meant me any harm but harm is all that U done. Not because You wanted to , simply becuz you didnt know any better. What is better? Is there such thing, I thought , thought wrong. You wanted to show me love I WANTED to show you life.. Daydreamed about me as your wife. You gave me all while along I was left alone at the ball... You gave me all as you sang out loud, little did you know my heart had fell to the ground when you werent around.. I drove around town , crying loud, scaring myself, scarring myself, loosing myself, abusing myself, So confused with my self. We gave it all...
Previous PostsIt, posted March 26th, 2013
jot this, posted March 16th, 2013
what the what the what?, posted February 10th, 2013
sunday, posted January 14th, 2013
Death, posted January 9th, 2013
Say no, posted January 8th, 2013
DREAM or reality.., posted December 29th, 2012
Thought at 3;47am, posted December 25th, 2012
Want, posted November 19th, 2012
Sick, posted November 16th, 2012
Early arrival, posted November 11th, 2012
Madness, posted November 4th, 2012
tonight, posted October 31st, 2012
Hated for loving, posted October 25th, 2012
Ive lost, posted October 22nd, 2012
thoughts as of now., posted September 26th, 2012
Fallin, posted September 22nd, 2012
What to be done with her, posted September 12th, 2012
BLIND, posted September 6th, 2012
All, posted August 25th, 2012
Bitter me, BitterSweet......, posted August 21st, 2012
win some lose some, posted July 30th, 2012
Missing person, posted June 30th, 2012
Again, posted June 26th, 2012
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